1000% true story, folks.
1. When going to a swinger’s retreat, make certain your partner isn’t packing a tiny, leather, Borat-style “unikini“ to wear at the poolside fashion show.
2. Being “in love” and being “in lust” are both very disparate and different things that deceptively, can seem like one and the same.
3. Sex is messy. You’ll need a towel.
4. When dating a married man, never cling to the statistic that 1% of men having an affair will leave their wives for their mistress. Because no matter what he says, for every King Edward VIII who abdicated the throne for the woman he loved, there are 25 Joey Buttafuccos … and you’re dating number 24.
5. Gentlemanly manners, a good upbringing and general social skills should never be underestimated.
6. Tattoo this Maya Angelou quote on the inside of your eyelids. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” … the first time.
7. Though it might seem obvious, always query a date about the circumstances in which he lives. If he resides in a storage facility with no indoor plumbing and a Porta Potty he cleans himself, chances are you’ll be doing all the driving.
8. Guys you meet on a fetish dating site will never care if you haven’t dusted before they come over or the bed isn’t made. Don’t stress it. You’re mother will NOT be turning over in her grave (at least not because your house isn’t spotless).
9. Cigarettes, role-playing your True Blood fantasy character on Twitter and bucketloads of Xanax are not a new lifestyle regime, they are a red flag.
10. Contrary to what they may have you believe, the man with a 12-inch dick is not going to be the best sex you ever had. Two words: bruised cervix.
11. Approximately, one out of every five men you sleep with will be as good in bed as they think or say they are.
12. It’s less important to a man what your body looks like than how you feel about it and what you do with it.
13. This may seem obvious, but never divulge the web address of the erotica and Tumblr porn blogs you run on the first couple of dates. It sets up unrealistic expectations.
14. Only wax your vulva if it makes YOU feel better. If your lover suggests he’d like to see you with smooth genitalia, tell him you’d like him to go first.
15. Going to bed alone at night isn’t nearly as lonely as going to bed next to someone you’ve grown apart from.
16. When online dating, no matter how hard you work at making your profile accurate, smart, witty and pithy you will always get responses from 23-year-olds, trade students who wear their baseball caps sideways and think common texting abbreviations are what constitute an irresistible opening email.
17. Sexual chemistry and passion are inextricably linked, however, it can take many different forms, come in many different packages and isn’t always instantaneous. If he doesn’t light your fire after 3 dates, he never will.
18. Social media is a great place to learn how to flirt with abandon.
19. It takes at least a week to properly seduce a woman.
20. Never reschedule time with friends to go on a date. Your friends are your gold. The date can wait.