As the NBA season rounds the corner into the home stretch, there are so many story-lines left to play out, some admittedly more compelling and more consequential than others.
While we could spend a lot of time and digital ink offering our predictions about who will win which regular season awards, which teams will make the playoffs, and who will ultimately bring home the title or eventually implode in that pursuit, we saw some unexpected things when we dared to gaze into our proverbial crystal ball.
10. The Rockets Will Score 200 Points In An NBA Game
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Daryl Morey has made it abundantly clear that he simply wants the Rockets to try and outscore their opponents. They’re already launching three-pointers at a record clip, and with Sweet Lou Williams added to the roster, look for James Harden and company to cook up some tasty 10-course scoring extravaganzas here in the final third of the season.
No team has ever scored 200 points in an NBA game, but the Detroit Pistons came awful close in their triple-overtime win against the Denver Nuggets in 1983 that ended with a final score of 186-184. The way the league is trending, this has to happen sooner or later, so it might as well be at the hands of one of the most prolific scoring teams in recent memory, led by the most offensive-minded coach in league history.
9. The New Orleans Pelicans Will Make The Playoffs
“Boogie and the Brow?” “Fire and Ice?” Let’s just say the Pelicans’ new superstar duo hasn’t gotten off to the cleverest start, nickname-wise. They’re also four full games out of the eighth and final spot in the Western Conference playoff picture. But we’re holding out hope that New Orleans can scratch and claw their way to DeMarcus Cousins’ inaugural postseason berth.
There’ll be plenty of sparks when he collides against Draymond Green, and who wouldn’t want to see two of the league’s spindliest superstars — Anthony Davis and Kevin Durant — go at each other for at least four games? Sparks won’t be the only thing flying in this series. There’ll be plenty of technicals, flagrant fouls, and expletives hurled around as well.
8. Phil Jackson Will Ride The Bus Again, This Time To A Land Far, Far Away
From the Derek Fisher debacle, to the disastrous free agent acquisitions of Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah, to the way he’s played himself out on social media by berating his franchise player and simultaneously scaring away potential free agents, Phil Jackson’s tenure with the Knicks has been an unqualified failure.
When you add to that the recent Charles Oakley incident and the dissolution of his relationship with Jeannie Buss, we wouldn’t be surprised if Jackson bought himself a one-way ticket to a Native American prayer circle nestled somewhere high in the mountains of North Dakota.
7. Shaquille O’Neal Will Name JaVale McGee ‘Shaqtin’ A Fool’ MVP
Nobody’s buying that this feud is over, despite the way their respective matriarchs have intervened to try and put a halt to this foolishness. Nobody wants to be on Pam McGee’s sh*t-list, and it’s a safe bet that Shaq’s mom is an equally-imposing figure given the fact that she had to raise what was assuredly a challenging and precocious youngster.
Still, it’s difficult to believe Shaq would bow out of a fight so graciously, especially one he publicly promised to finish. He’s like a very large viper, coiled and sunning himself in the tall weeds, waiting for his opportunity to strike.
6. Magic Johnson Will Tweet Something So Lobotomizing In Its Banality That It Will Tear A Hole In The Social Media Continuum
Magic Johnson is legendary for his Perd Hapley approach to social media, which includes him tweeting out excruciatingly obvious statements about any number of basketball-related topics, not to mention a long, public track record of suspect player evaluations. That didn’t stop the Lakers from putting him in charge, and we can only hope that his new position still leaves him enough down time to stupefy and delight us with his social media presence. Here’s a few things we’re predicting from his Twitter feed over the coming months.
“The #Warriors will have a harder time winning the championship if Kevin Durant isn’t 100 percent.”
“The only way the #Cavs don’t make it to the #NBAFinals is if they lose in the Eastern Conference playoffs.”
“Pineapple goes on pizza because I once saw a pizza that had pineapple on it.”
5. Sleeper-Agent Andrew Bogut Will Unravel The Cavs From The Inside
Andrew Bogut has obviously been playing the long-game, and the Cleveland Cavaliers have gleefully and unwittingly wheeled a Trojan Horse right through the city gates.
He has nothing to gain from winning another championship at this point in his career and everything to gain from indulging his profound and eternal hatred for Cavs. Bogut always knew that he was expendable, but he’s also a patriot, and this is precisely the mission Steve Kerr sent him on last summer. He’ll reap his rewards in the next life.
4. A Struggling Chandler Parsons Will Become A Born-Again Virgin
Chandler Parsons is already so desperate to get back on track that he’s offering up prayers to inanimate Spalding-licensed objects. So it isn’t too much of a stretch to think that the recently-deflowered Grizzlies swingman might give abstinence a whirl in an attempt to try and regain his rapidly-dwindling basketball mojo.
3. Vivek Ranadive And Vlade Divac Will Unfurl The Sails Over An Ocean Of Ineptitude
Just when you thought the New York Knicks had seized the crown as the league’s most dysfunctional franchise, the Sacramento Kings swooped in at the trade deadline with a spectacular display of incompetence. Not only did they botch the DeMarcus Cousins trade, GM Vlade Divac went and broadcast the fact that he had a better deal in place just days prior.
As if Divac’s front-office seat wasn’t toasty enough already, he’s now given himself a two-year window to turn the franchise around. Given the way they’ve mishandled everything so far, we can’t wait to see what kind of foibles they get into once the offseason begins.
2. Joel Embiid Will Launch A Social Media Campaign To Make Sure He Still Wins Rookie of the Year
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With Embiid out for the remainder of the season, it’s begs the question of whether he’s played enough games to take home ROY. His numbers are far superior to any of the other candidates, especially with the caveat that he’s accomplished them in limited minutes.
He’s already proven that he can leverage social media for any number of endeavors, including a full-fledged offensive that almost landed him a spot on the Eastern Conference All-Star Team this season. With a lot more free time on his hands all of the sudden, Embiid might as well lobby for the award, 140 characters at a time.
1. The Memphis Grizzlies Will Make Life Miserable For Some Team In The Playoffs
By far the most likely of these predictions, the Grizzlies will do what they always do once the postseason rolls around and remind the rest of the league why absolutely no one wants to face them in the playoffs.
Marc Gasol and Mike Conley are both playing at an All-Star level, they’ve become much better offensively this season, and they’ve done it all while rediscovering their identity as one of the most formidable defensive units in the NBA. If history is any indication, they could win their opening round series, then go onto give one of the West’s elite teams a legitimate scare.
Source: DIME on UProxx