It’s the most uncanny thing.
I mean, there are people out there who feel the nagging, dragging pain of just being a miserable hag (had to get nag, drag and hag in one sentence, thanks), they take the time to complain about how they’re always miserable, sometimes seeking help from their horoscope in the process, and then when there’s a clearing, they create some new tragic whine-fest to binge out on — with you, of course.
Have you ever heard anyone shout out, at the top of their lungs, with glee, “Bring on the buzzkill!”? No, you haven’t. That’s why these people have a hard time keeping friends.
There’s that one friend in your herd that’s found that the key to getting attention is by being the biggest drag there is and that if you can take that attitude and become all pervasive in any and all situations, then voila!
You are the environment, the ultimate ego accomplishment.
You own the mood of the day and your friends are there to hold your soft, silk bed up in the air to comfort you while you sulk and dominate. (Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad…)
But being a natural-born kvetch isn’t easy, but I will tell you this: half the battle in being a full-fledged member of the “UGH, I’m miserable” club is about being born under the right zodiac sign for the job.
Some have it, and some are just too “chipper.” That will never do.
So, who are the most miserable zodiac signs and what is the secret reason you’re miserable? Let’s take a look-see.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
You’re miserable because you gave something your best shot and it didn’t come through. And you know that it’s still the best idea in the bunch, but that one idiot is standing in your way. How they got ahead of you, you have no idea, but you know it’s making you miserable, Aries!
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
What makes you miserable is when you don’t have sex. Yes, I’ll put it straight: You’re a horny mess and one of the top stress-related relievers for you is sex and plenty of it. Big downer: you don’t always have sex; in fact, you have very little sex for your standards, and when you do not get, you get miserable, Taurus.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
For the love of all that is sacred, man oh man do you get put off when people don’t take you seriously. Gemini, you take opinions to heart even when you know not to. But wow, it sure is a blow to find out that so and so doesn’t think too much of you. You carry that weight around and guess what? It makes you miserable and miserable to be around.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You are miserable because the people you’re trying to impress see through your charade and you are just not in the mood to fight anymore. Whatever it is that “they” care about so much, well… it’s just not a thing you care about, though the drama of it does ensnare you. What makes you, Cancer, miserable is when the drama isn’t about you.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Oh please, Leo, don’t sulk so magnificently. I feel like I’m at the theatre and the dying scene is lasting 45 minutes. What happened, Leo? Why so miserable and so public about it? Ah, not getting attention round the clock. Try complaining on Facebook, I hear that’s all the rage these days — and you can get a crowd to pay attention too!
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Welcome home, Virgo. Let the misery roll on, and just blast the Adele records. And while you’re there, toss on Alannis Morrissette and a plop of Taylor Swift just for angst-pop, because this is your natural habitat.
Here’s the voice over for your segment: “Note the Virgo in the wild, that face that says she smells something bad and it’s you — you’re the cause of her misery, you sappy fool. What did you do to this person to drag them down like this?
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
If only you could be un-miserable, Libra. You put on a brave face most of the time, but the essence of you beneath that “good person” replicant form you wear so well is one of constant worry and anxiety.
You’re the quintessential worry wart, and no matter how spiffy things are going, there’s always the thought in your head that sounds like, “Crap. What’s the next massive horror to happen to me?” Miserable? Check.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Another proud upstanding member of the “I need sex to survive” club, Scorpio basically goes on the prowl and it ain’t pretty. When it’s prowl time and Scorpio’s feelin’ mean, that meanness can morph mighty quickly into misery, and when Scorpio is miserable, you’ll hear all about it. Insults? Bring ‘em. Disrespect? It’s what’s for dinner.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You would think this might be a Taurus trait, but when it comes to doing something they don’t want, Sagittarius beats all other signs at feeling amazingly miserable while participating in an unwanted action. Like a crappy job.
Put a Sag in a job where they can’t breathe because they don’t believe in a thing about the job. and then you’ve got misery on rye, right there, buddy.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Being foiled in an attempt to be snarky can take a Capricorn and crumble them to the ground. Cap is a practical joker, a sneaky little tease — they love to get away with sneaky things, until you stop them dead in their tracks and call them out on their coy attempt to be cute. Then, outside of hating you for deflating them, they will indulge in a merry little misery session at your expense.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You wouldn’t think it’s all that bad being an Aquarius, being that these are the folks who completely hide the fact that they are miserable to the core. Total stiff upper lip types, but what makes them so wretched on the inside? The way the world works.
Yes. It’s that vast. Aquarius feels it all, empath to the world, and when the world hurts, Aquarius feels miserable.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
It’s probably something we all want, but Pisces really gets into a snit when they don’t get love. Yeah, we all want the stuff on some level, but Pisces has a way of twisting that “I’m lonely” thing and making into the accidental, “I’m lonely and I’m going to throw myself out the door of an in-flight aircraft” kind of miserable.
They are dramatic to a wild fault; that’s how you know you should probably exit accordingly.